I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have really questioned why I blog. I started out thinking it would be easy to write about anything and everything and I quickly realized that wasn't the case. My blog was initially meant to be a guide on how to dress because growing up I didn't feel like I was stylish or fashionable. I didn't really learn how to dress myself until I read a Celebrity Style Guide by Teen People (a magazine no longer in publication), and since the eighth grade, I've gone through a lot of experimenting to be comfortable with my style now. There were a lot faux pas moments during my teen years, but my initial blog goal was me trying to be the stylist I never had for the girls that wanted to know how to get dressed in the morning and offering tips through the outfits I put together.
At one point I found my blog to be silly because I questioned my own authority when I was, and still, experimenting with fashion and I felt writing a guide was beyond my scope of knowledge. Despite not being completely tied down to one style or look, I would not be able to encompass all the different styles and looks out there that I used for trial and error. I've also stayed updated with a number of blogs by fellow fashion enthusiasts, and I realized others knew how to style themselves just as well, if not better, and didn't bore readers too much with the details.
I admit I hid behind the details of my outfits and never really delved too deeply into my feelings. I could not freely write about everything and anything the way I imagined I could. For the longest time I was hiding a secret from my parents and I feel that made me secretive here. Armando and I decided to move in together 9 months ago and I felt I couldn't really talk freely about my life knowing I had this open platform I interacted with daily. I did try to include them in the decision process by opening up to them about it and trying to be up front about everything. It made me regret putting myself out there with how they reacted and I felt like I shouldn't be so open with my thoughts. I ended up saying we would not go forward with moving in with each other, but after a few weeks debating about it internally and talking it out with Arando, we ended up moving in together before the start of the Fall semester.
The truth finally surfaced out, and while my parents reacted exactly as I expected, in the end I know they still love me despite not doing exactly what they would have wanted me to. I care about my parents deeply and it has been about 3 weeks that I have been struggling with the fact that I did something that hurt them and damaged the trust I had built with them. In my mind I try to justify that I was never their problem child, I finished high school at the top of my class, graduated from one of the best universities in the world a semester early, and found a job right after graduating. I am not their oldest child, I have 2 older brothers who have already started their families, but I am their oldest daughter. I know my parents probably would have hoped I married Armando before I moved in with him, but at the same time I didn't want to do that just because it was expected of me. He and I will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary together in June, and despite the length of time dating, I've learned more about him in the last 9 months so I don't regret my decision. I've also been happier because I was no longer lonely and I have had someone else there for me to support me with my blogging endeavors.
I might have done things differently, but instead of dwelling on the shoulda-woulda-coulda scenarios, I am moving on with the expectation that time can heal most wounds. I am relieved that this secret is no longer something I am hiding from my parents and the rest of the world and that now I can be a little bit more open. I am afraid of making myself vulnerable by opening up more publicly, but I am ready to take that risk and put more of myself into this blog.
I apologize that this post is so long, and a little overdue, but I hope you'll stick around for my future outfit/cupcake posts as well as everything else that life throws my way. =]
Until next time,